My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
