i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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