I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
where are you?
Hypothermia
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
