I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
