Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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