Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
