Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
