Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
