she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
