I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
