Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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