i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
