i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like death gave me a hand job
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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