fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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