I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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