If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
