What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
