i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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