If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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