You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
