HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
