I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
