If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
