Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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