He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
