I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry my hands just texted you
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
