apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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