oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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