remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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