You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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