i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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