thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
