I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just got carded by a ten year old.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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