I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
