I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
