hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
