When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
