I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
