Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
