So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
