Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
