I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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