We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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