This is not my ceiling
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
