1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
