Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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