RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
