My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
