Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
