I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
