my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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