you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
