sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
